Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
