Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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