my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
third nipple confirmed
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
