im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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