My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
