cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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