no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
