wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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