Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
