Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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