you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
