yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
