Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
