We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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