The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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