im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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