Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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