Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
