Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize