Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You were trust falling into bushes
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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