i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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