cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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