i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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