Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Randomize
