I am midnight drunk by noon
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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