I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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