last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
