I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
