Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
