my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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