I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
