No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
