I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Someone signed my nipple.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
