checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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