Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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