i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
