my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize