Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
