Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
