VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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