someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
