My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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