Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
