I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
