I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
