We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
