I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
