Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
