loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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