the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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