8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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