What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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