I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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