i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
