listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I see more hoeing in ur future
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