and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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