God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
