I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
