I'm drive I can fine osifer
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
