Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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