Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Randomize
