Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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