Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
And then he peed in my hair
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
