The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
