I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
