I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
