My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
