I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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